It's Tapas, baby!

"Courage is almost always a necessary ingredient of change. Fulfilling your potential and achieving your destiny demand that at some point you stand on your own. Your blossoming will need to be unlike anyone else’s; just as every double helix of DNA is unique, so is every person’s path."

    ~The Four Desires Book by Rod Stryker~

I've faced an interesting set of challenges these past few months.  Challenges that have really shaken me to the core as to whether this path I am on is the right one for me.  I love what I do more than anything in the world, but it has it's own unique challenge, at least at the point that I am right now.  Almost a year ago, I took the leap out of the secure, full-time restaurant gig and tipped the scales to depending on yoga teaching more than anything else for my livelihood.  It was scary but at the time, I felt like it was my only choice (I was going to shrivel up and die inside if I didn't)....I had to jump.  So I did.  And the universe provided me with more teaching opportunities!

Long story short, these past few months have been rough, not as dependable as before, scary, no cushion to break my fall sort of rough.  I felt resistance rising in me, I started to think that everyone was judging me for this choice that I made to leave stability to pursue my dream (it can't be easy to be friends with or date someone that literally has no extra money to do anything social), I felt like I needed an escape route....something solid and dependable to get me through it.

I went out looking for additional serving jobs (I work one night a week at a lovely little BYOB), I walked confidently with resume in hand knowing anyone would want to hire me, every place I went was very interested and ready to hire me.  Then I started to listen to my body.  My mind was trying to rationalize this move, saying I could get through it, if only for a year.....my body was giving me major signals.  That's the week my shoulder pain was so unbearable I finally sought help for it (thank you Dr. Jenna....I am shoulder-pain free now and got there in a very non-invasive way!!!)  Interesting that the shoulder that is affected just so happens to be the arm that I use so frequently in waiting tables.  Interesting how I had this nagging shoulder pain for almost a year and I'd just accepted that it was going to be there.  I also just had this subtle, deep rooted panicked feeling at all times.  My body was telling me very clearly what I didn't want to listen to....you have to TRUST what is being lined up for you.

Then, out of the blue....three yoga opportunities fell out of the sky.  I had my answer, "ok universe, this is what I should be doing."  I told all the possible restaurant jobs that I'd decided to go in another direction, and I jumped, yet again, into the terrifying unknown.

So that's where I am currently residing, post-second-terrifying-leap-into-fate land.

I feel blessed this chain of "coincidences" that has brought me to this point, and I've realized that it's time for me to get out of my own way.  I have, and always have had, quite a nasty self-destructive side.  I'm finally aware of this pattern in my life and ready to work on it....because it's getting in the way of the amazing potential I have for living brilliantly in this world!

"Yes.  You can attain freedom from the unwanted part of yourself by detaching yourself from it.  Nothing more.  Liberation by detachment from the world is not my way.  Higher than detachment is transforming what you want to get rid of."

~Rabindranath Tagore~

"Ok, Miss Yogini....how does one transform a deeply rooted pattern??"

TAPAS, BABY!!

"I thought that was small plates in the style of Spanish dining."

In the yoga tradition, tapas translates to heat, to purify, fiery discipline, to break down the things that prevent our natural light.  It's developing character and refinement and putting your effort into the world for your visions, goals, and dreams to come into fruition. It's what helps you shine.  

"Tapas when done correctly becomes tejas-the radiant splendor of personality that expresses itself as courage, creativity, and love as well as the melting tenderness that draws all hearts (charisma)."

~Para Yoga Master Training Manual~

There are many tapas disciplines, as there are many unique ways we each need purify to bring out our own shining.  A few examples are changing diet, exercise, asana (purifies mind, nervous system, and energetic body), breathwork, breaking bad habits, and silence.


Some of these are a little less accessible if you don't have a teacher knowledgeable in these areas or if your practice isn't quite at the point where you're ready for them.  Fear not! When I'm teaching tapas in my classes, I encourage my students to look at what they are wanting to achieve, and what is lying in their way to achieving it.  We can use certain techniques to increase our own fire.  

For example: Student A craves more meaningful connections and relationships with people.  Student A talks....A LOT, talks talks talks all the time, never stops talking or thinking....Student A has learned this behavior as a way to seemingly connect with someone or perhaps to mask their own social anxiety, but their talk gets in the way of actual connection with the person....they leave no space to slow down and listen to what anyone has to say.  Student A's tapas practice could be silence.  Student A could commit to a week or more of speaking only when absolutely necessary.  For some people this seems silly, but for Student A, this silence could make them a little uncomfortable and encourage them to slow down a bit and just watch what's going on in their mind, and truly LISTEN to those around them instead of assuaging their discomfort around connection with chatter.


What do you deeply desire in your life?  What are you doing and maybe not realizing or admitting to yourself that's getting in the way of your living vibrantly?  Please share with me and let's get your internal fire a-burnin!!

In this moment......

Yoga isn't just a series of poses that you do on a mat.  The word yoga roughly translates to mean "union." We've all had moments of yoga....a time when you're just plugged into the moment...when the mind stops ticking away and you're just present.  My first yoga teacher called them "peak experiences."  Some people have these peak experiences while engrossed in music, some when doing something athletic, I've never experienced childbirth but I'm pretty sure some achieve a state of yoga then, some of us have these experiences in nature.  They are usually those points in life that you can remember almost perfectly, no matter how much time passes.

My experiences of yoga happen most often in nature.  The pictures in this posting are from a very special moment of yoga in my life.  A few years ago I took myself on a little roadtrip around Northern CA.  It was a trip filled with moments of pure bliss and connection to myself and to nature.  I didn't make any plans, I just knew where I'd stay each night, and that was it.  This particular moment happened when I was winding down from a fun day of kayaking and eating fresh oysters with total strangers.  I was staying a few days at Point Reyes National Seashore, about an hour north of San Francisco.  That evening I decided to head to Limantour Beach to watch the sun set.  It was windy and cold but I was determined to see the sun set over the beach.

I got to the beach and was alone, except for a lady who was dancing in the wind:

You can barely see the wind dancing lady, she's right above my shadow

I took off my sneakers and plunged my feet into the waves even though the September water was freezing!  The wind was blowing burning salty sand on my weary legs but I didn't care.  I had my camera out, madly capturing the beauty around me that was breathtaking.  I got there early enough that the sun was still high in the sky, yet rapidly making it's descent to the horizon and I was transfixed.  I walked along the water towards the setting sun, soaking in the beauty and simplicity of the moment.  I said aloud, "Universe....send me some dolphins!  I want to see dolphins!!" I turned my head to look at the water and this is what I saw, not dolphins but:

A pair of funny little seals poking their heads out and staring at me.  They seemed to be just as fascinated with me as I was with them.  As I walked toward the sun, they kept pace with me in the water, showing off their wave-riding moves, poking their heads out every so often to look at me and make sure I was still watching them. 

Eventually the seals swam off when they realized I'd lost myself in the sunset.  I was absorbed in beauty, dissolved in contentment, no longer separate from the beach, or the sunset, or the wind, or the sand.....I was in union with it all.  As the sun dipped down into the horizon, I watched, waiting for the golden orb to slip silently to rest.

That's why I practice yoga.  That's why I get on the mat and breathe and watch....to tap into and witness that part of myself that is all of this.  The part that is the brilliant sunset, the playful seals, the wind-dancing woman, the crashing waves.  To bring that essence to every moment of every day.

on hate and dog poop

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
- Prayer of St. Francis

The recent killing of a prominent figurehead of hatred had me somberly pondering all day yesterday.  This celebration of his death strikes me as unfortunate for those who are celebrating.  I understand that with vengeance comes a certain sense of closure, but why?  Why must we practice an eye for an eye to regain a feeling of peace in our hearts?  Please don't get me wrong, this man had very unfortunate and very strong karmas that led him to act in the way that he did, and it is a good thing that he will not be able to lead and inspire people towards hatred anymore.....but with his death, hatred did not die.  Terrorism is not obliterated.  Anger has not ceased.  The more we deceive ourselves with that, the more the feeling of separateness increases....leading to fear and ultimately more hatred.  

The more we make ourselves feel separate and/or better than other human beings, the more susceptible we become to this.   Anger is anger.  Hate is hate.  Fear is fear....no matter what the scale and intensity of the emotion is, it still has the same essence.  All these things exist not just in far-off lands, but on our own soil, in the 1 mile radius that you live, even in your mind and probably in your heart at times.  

How can you start to change yourself to increase the light?  I invite you to open your heart, look at what's inside, and work fill it with love, pure love; not resistance, not fear, not indifference; but LOVE & LIGHT.

I've been looking at my own choices today and to lighten things up a bit, I have a bit of a funny story to share with you on this.  Most of my work I do to help increase the light and spread love, but I too am human and many a time fall into the trap of my own thoughts and reactions to things, usually when I've strayed too much from my practice.  Case in point....the mysterious dog-owner on my block that has yet to pick up their dog's poop.  I've been enraged for an entire week, waging a war against this person in my mind.  I took it a little further and made a sign and hung it near a pile of said poo:

no judging my sign-making skills

Yesterday morning, I walked out the front door to find a huge pile right outside our house.  WELL....I was FURIOUS (in a still lightly humorous way:) and was yelling at my roomie that the war was ON!!!!  I pedaled my way to teach my first class, vowing that I'd stay up all night patrolling the front of the house, waiting for the irresponsible pooper to strike, fantasizing of how I'd approach this person.  Would I give them a nice verbal lashing?  Would I hurl the poop and the offender?  Would I quietly stalk them back to their home and just smear their dogs poop all over their front stoop?  My mind was burning with ideas.  Thank goodness I taught all day so my teaching, and reflection on the bigger events in the world brought me back to the ground and I realized that I should take my threatening sign down, and am thinking I'll replace it with something like this: 

"Dear Person who doesn't pick up after their dog, we love our beautiful block and hope you do too, and we'd like to keep it clean please!  Here are some baggies in case your left yours at home, please feel free to use one:)"

And with that, the tiny seed of anger that is in my heart, that I have also spread into the world a bit, hopefully my righting my actions and words will help burn this seed. 

What seeds in your heart or mind, however small or large they may be, do YOU need to examine, learn from, and burn?  Think about this over the week.  Keep your heart open, contribute to love and light.

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. "

Martin Luther King Jr.

"Where do we go from here: Chaos or community?" (1967)

 

April SAD brings May glad (I certainly hope!)

Don't wait until your life is less turbulent to be happy.  Find happiness in the turbulence.

~Yogarupa Rod Stryker

I've been a bit on the quiet front in regards to this blog as of late.  I haven't had much to express out loud in the past month.  I think I have some version of seasonal affective disorder (SAD) only mine is in the Spring.  For some reason, every year around this time period, I get super depressed....it usually lasts around a month and then one morning I wake up and am totally fine.  It's very strange.  Every year I forget that it's coming and then BAM, good morning sadness and lethargy, haven't seen you in awhile! 

Each year since my practice has been deepening, it's always a little less intense, but this year has marked some big changes....loss of a close animal friend, troubling shoulder/neck pain, loss of a job, and other struggles have had me traveling inward for awhile.  I've needed to let myself feel whatever comes up for me, watch those thoughts and feelings, and just let them be without judging them.....allowing time to uncover what's under those thoughts.  Some days I read, practice yoga, and let things happen.  Some days I'd avoid everything, drink wine, eat cookies, and watch TV.  The latter coping mechanism obviously being the one that I'd rather never do, but I'm not quite there yet:)

It's funny how impermanent everything outside of us is.  It seems like as soon as you get settled into something, it changes just at that moment, challenging you to learn anew, and accept again.  Being comfortable with being uncomfortable....because change for most of us is just that....uncomfortable.  Your reaction to this might be, well that's depressing....do I have to be uncomfortable forever??  So what does one do to navigate these turbulent waves of life? 

Find that practice that can help you uncover that part of you which is unchanging.....that part of you that isn't affected by the craziness, that part of you that doesn't take on the identity of divorcee, widower, unemployed person, victim.  It's there.  It can't be touched or defined by hardship.  It just is.  It's that part of you that has watched it all....the observer of your life's events. It's that part of you that isn't your thoughts, that part that isn't your reactions to things.  Inside each of us is a deep well of strength and calm, it's just up to us to journey inward to find it. 

So if you've been wondering where I am these days....that's where I am...on that journey.

You must learn an inner solitude, wherever or with whomsoever you may be.

You must learn to penetrate things and find God there, 

to get a strong impression of God firmly fixed in your mind.

~Meister Eckhart

Springtime in Philly

I took myself on a little bicycle adventure today to breathe in the springtime scents and sights.  Here are some highlights of city treasures that I happened upon:

Sangha

I have the good fortune of being able to teach a small and lovely group of yogis every Saturday morning.  It is a group of husbands/wives/neighbors that have been living in Philadelphia and exercising and having coffee together every week for at least 25 years.  Every once in awhile I'll join them at the local coffee shop afterward where some of their other friends are already tucked into their reserved corner, sipping lattes and talking about books and the past weeks happenings.  There is always a very interesting mix of amazing people that sit around those two tables, all are very involved in the community and have very interesting lives.  The laughter and love and respect and shared history around those tables is amazing.

Sangha...community.  It's such an important thing to have in one's life.  In this day and age it's so easy to go weeks without interacting socially with people of like minds, with the temptations of facebook and other online escapes....and although they are decent tools of communication and connection, there's something to be said about sitting down with someone face to face.

"Our modern way of life seems to be making us busier and busier about less and less.  

It is only after we being to taste the joy of simple living that we realize how much all this frantic activity can stand between us and our fulfillment.  

The more we divide our interests, our allegiances, our activities, the less time we have for living.

Loving, loyal personal relationships take time.  

We cannot get to know someone intimately in a day or establish a lasting relationship during a weekend conference.  If we spend eight hours a day at our job and the evening watching

television, where is the time for cultivating close friendships?  

If we simplify our lives we shall find the time and energy to be together with our family and friends, or to give our time to a worthy cause that needs our contribution.  

The simple life doesn't mean bearing with a drab routine; it means giving our time and attention to what is most important."

Eknath Easwaran

I definitely fall into that trap at times.  Having a career where I'm constantly in service of others can make me feel a little burnt out at times, and I'm a person that needs a lot of alone time to recharge.  When I do decide to hang out with friends socially, surprisingly, I can have a little anxiety around the occasion, though as soon as I relax into the conversation and moment with whoever I am with, that anxiety dissipates.

"No man is an island, entire of itself;

every man is a piece of the continent,

a part of the main."

John Donne 

I had a great weekend filled with sangha.  On Saturday I met with my yogini pack and we had brunch and chatted about life, love, loss....very deep and fulfilling stuff.  On Sunday I went to the Reiki School for their grand opening of the new space.  I got to see a few of my friends from when I was taking classes....it was so great to reconnect and hear how their lives are going.  I love running into people that I've done reiki or yoga with because our connection is so deeply ingrained in our practice, so there's not usually much small talk, just cutting to the marrow of life. 

"Human relationships are the perfect tool for sanding away our rough edges

and getting at the core of divinity within us.

We need to look no further than our own family, friends, acquaintances,

or even adversaries, to begin our practice."

Eknath Easwaran

So who do you need to make time to reach out to and rekindle a connection with today?  What friend/teacher/family member makes you feel whole and strong within yourself and when can you invite them for a cup of tea or skype date....if they are long distance.  Make a connection with someone new, someone old, someone borrowed, someone blue (blue meaning sad, or maybe a smurf) and notice how that might revitalize YOU!

Love Love Love

I subbed a class this evening and had a very interesting experience and am having a very interesting unfolding from it all.  There were only two people in this class, of very opposite physical practices and abilities.  I kind of panicked inside at first, wondering what I was possibly going to do with a more advanced practitioner who wanted something intense (Student A), and someone who said they wanted intense but I could see needed something gentler (Student B).  I approached my teaching with love and tenderness, and encouraged the students to honor their bodies and stay connected to their experience.  I found a happy medium between the two and was amazed at the focus and moments of joy I witnessed Student B having, even in some of the more difficult poses. 

Long story short, both people left class happy and unbroken.  I left class with Student B (who just happened into the studio, visiting from another state) on my mind.  As I'm heading to bed, I'm hoping that Student B wakes up in the morning feeling ok, and hoping that the moments of intensity weren't too much for B.  I was just moved to send B some Reiki, wherever they may be in Philadelphia.  As I was watching Student B in class, I was touched by the vulnerability and loving way this person practiced.  It softened me. 

I just spent a long day teaching 4 yoga classes and giving some students Reiki.  I gave out a lot of love and energy today, and therefore am left not exhausted, but filled with love.  I really felt like I was connected to each student and what they needed in the moment.  I'm so lucky that I have a job where I can express love and caring for someone through healing touch or by guiding them towards their practice.

Maybe it's because I'm tired, maybe it's because I'm listening to a beautiful song, but I just had a good cry a few minutes ago.  Not sad tears.  Tears of loving.  Sometimes my heart fills with so much love that I cry.  Once it happened while I was riding on the bus because someone did something nice for a total stranger (so glad I was wearing sunglasses.) I've had this intense heart feeling for as long as I remember, but have spent years trying to hide it, destroy it, ignore it, build fortress after fortress around it.

And today another wall came down....a big one I think....and I truly believe that my ability to spend a lot of time loving and caring for people through Reiki and Yoga is due to the fact that I am in the process of developing a loving relationship with myself with these tools.  And even though we live in this crazy world where being soft is viewed upon as being weak, where giving out love isn't as valued as giving out a flat screen tv.....I will keep on working to honor what's inside of me and work to bring it out and share it with others. 
Meg, ball of love:)

Disclaimer: times when I am not a ball of love.....if you wake me out of a deep sleep or when I am hungry

mourning my spinning perspective

I have chronic vertigo.  I've had it since 2000.  My mother has it.  Her father had it.  I'm stuck with it.  This is what I say to myself every month or two when I unexpectedly fall into a vertigo spell...which lasts 2-12 days.  I've been struggling with these surprises for the last 11 years and it hasn't gotten any easier.  I've tried Western medicine, different head positional exercises, Ayurvedic remedies, energy healing, acupuncture,....everything but witchcraft. Some days I'm only able to stay in bed, barely moving my head for fear the room will go into a dead-spin.  Some days I can make it through the motions of whatever job I may be working, fighting off wicked nausea.  Most days I feel miserable and defeated.  That leads to anger directed at myself if I do choose to take it easy.  There's a part of me that thinks it inexcusible to let it get in the way of life, that part of myself who says I have to suck it up and go. 

I know that at some point in my childhood this way of dealing with things was programmed into me.  I was taught to be grateful for relatively good health, not to complain about "little" ailments, there are people who are dealing with much worse than I am.  While all this is well and good, and I am thankful for my otherwise great health, this mindset also doesn't justify my feelings of woe about the fact that I'm dizzy 1/4 of my life.  Even if it's not life-threatening, it still is crappy, and I have a right to process that.  So here I am....processing.

Unsure of what vertigo feels like?  Take a baseball bat, put in on the ground and put your forehead to it and then spin in circles about 30-50 times, then try to stand up and walk....you remember that crazy thing we did as kids at camp or in gym class....that's what happens to me if I just roll over in bed or look up too quickly.  And forget about that bat game for me...the last time I did it was almost tragic....my view of the world literally turned upside-down for a few minutes.  It was terrifying. 

it sucks.

If my mother needed a day off because she had vertigo, I wouldn't judge her, I wouldn't be mad at her.  Yet when it comes to me, I'm not as compassionate.  And I need to be.  I was speaking of this in therapy today and my therapist said something that softened something in my heart.  I need to mourn this.  I have a chronic condition of which there is not many treatment options for someone without health insurance.  it sucks!  I am allowed to be really sad about that.  I never let myself explore the full depth of my sadness surrounding certain things....this being one of them for sure. Step 1: Mourn....deeply.

Then, I must develop a more compassionate way to deal with myself with and without vertigo.  I simply can't live the same way during a vertigo spell that I can when I'm feeling "normal."  I have to think of how I need to live during a spell, so when it happens, I know what to do to take care of myself, and I won't be as hard on myself when I'm not living up to my own crazy expectations.

I'm been excited all day after my guided realization.
So tonight as my head hits the pillow, if there's some spinning involved, I'll let myself be lovingly sad.