mourning my spinning perspective

I have chronic vertigo.  I've had it since 2000.  My mother has it.  Her father had it.  I'm stuck with it.  This is what I say to myself every month or two when I unexpectedly fall into a vertigo spell...which lasts 2-12 days.  I've been struggling with these surprises for the last 11 years and it hasn't gotten any easier.  I've tried Western medicine, different head positional exercises, Ayurvedic remedies, energy healing, acupuncture,....everything but witchcraft. Some days I'm only able to stay in bed, barely moving my head for fear the room will go into a dead-spin.  Some days I can make it through the motions of whatever job I may be working, fighting off wicked nausea.  Most days I feel miserable and defeated.  That leads to anger directed at myself if I do choose to take it easy.  There's a part of me that thinks it inexcusible to let it get in the way of life, that part of myself who says I have to suck it up and go. 

I know that at some point in my childhood this way of dealing with things was programmed into me.  I was taught to be grateful for relatively good health, not to complain about "little" ailments, there are people who are dealing with much worse than I am.  While all this is well and good, and I am thankful for my otherwise great health, this mindset also doesn't justify my feelings of woe about the fact that I'm dizzy 1/4 of my life.  Even if it's not life-threatening, it still is crappy, and I have a right to process that.  So here I am....processing.

Unsure of what vertigo feels like?  Take a baseball bat, put in on the ground and put your forehead to it and then spin in circles about 30-50 times, then try to stand up and walk....you remember that crazy thing we did as kids at camp or in gym class....that's what happens to me if I just roll over in bed or look up too quickly.  And forget about that bat game for me...the last time I did it was almost tragic....my view of the world literally turned upside-down for a few minutes.  It was terrifying. 

it sucks.

If my mother needed a day off because she had vertigo, I wouldn't judge her, I wouldn't be mad at her.  Yet when it comes to me, I'm not as compassionate.  And I need to be.  I was speaking of this in therapy today and my therapist said something that softened something in my heart.  I need to mourn this.  I have a chronic condition of which there is not many treatment options for someone without health insurance.  it sucks!  I am allowed to be really sad about that.  I never let myself explore the full depth of my sadness surrounding certain things....this being one of them for sure. Step 1: Mourn....deeply.

Then, I must develop a more compassionate way to deal with myself with and without vertigo.  I simply can't live the same way during a vertigo spell that I can when I'm feeling "normal."  I have to think of how I need to live during a spell, so when it happens, I know what to do to take care of myself, and I won't be as hard on myself when I'm not living up to my own crazy expectations.

I'm been excited all day after my guided realization.
So tonight as my head hits the pillow, if there's some spinning involved, I'll let myself be lovingly sad.