April SAD brings May glad (I certainly hope!)

Don't wait until your life is less turbulent to be happy.  Find happiness in the turbulence.

~Yogarupa Rod Stryker

I've been a bit on the quiet front in regards to this blog as of late.  I haven't had much to express out loud in the past month.  I think I have some version of seasonal affective disorder (SAD) only mine is in the Spring.  For some reason, every year around this time period, I get super depressed....it usually lasts around a month and then one morning I wake up and am totally fine.  It's very strange.  Every year I forget that it's coming and then BAM, good morning sadness and lethargy, haven't seen you in awhile! 

Each year since my practice has been deepening, it's always a little less intense, but this year has marked some big changes....loss of a close animal friend, troubling shoulder/neck pain, loss of a job, and other struggles have had me traveling inward for awhile.  I've needed to let myself feel whatever comes up for me, watch those thoughts and feelings, and just let them be without judging them.....allowing time to uncover what's under those thoughts.  Some days I read, practice yoga, and let things happen.  Some days I'd avoid everything, drink wine, eat cookies, and watch TV.  The latter coping mechanism obviously being the one that I'd rather never do, but I'm not quite there yet:)

It's funny how impermanent everything outside of us is.  It seems like as soon as you get settled into something, it changes just at that moment, challenging you to learn anew, and accept again.  Being comfortable with being uncomfortable....because change for most of us is just that....uncomfortable.  Your reaction to this might be, well that's depressing....do I have to be uncomfortable forever??  So what does one do to navigate these turbulent waves of life? 

Find that practice that can help you uncover that part of you which is unchanging.....that part of you that isn't affected by the craziness, that part of you that doesn't take on the identity of divorcee, widower, unemployed person, victim.  It's there.  It can't be touched or defined by hardship.  It just is.  It's that part of you that has watched it all....the observer of your life's events. It's that part of you that isn't your thoughts, that part that isn't your reactions to things.  Inside each of us is a deep well of strength and calm, it's just up to us to journey inward to find it. 

So if you've been wondering where I am these days....that's where I am...on that journey.

You must learn an inner solitude, wherever or with whomsoever you may be.

You must learn to penetrate things and find God there, 

to get a strong impression of God firmly fixed in your mind.

~Meister Eckhart

Springtime in Philly

I took myself on a little bicycle adventure today to breathe in the springtime scents and sights.  Here are some highlights of city treasures that I happened upon:

Sangha

I have the good fortune of being able to teach a small and lovely group of yogis every Saturday morning.  It is a group of husbands/wives/neighbors that have been living in Philadelphia and exercising and having coffee together every week for at least 25 years.  Every once in awhile I'll join them at the local coffee shop afterward where some of their other friends are already tucked into their reserved corner, sipping lattes and talking about books and the past weeks happenings.  There is always a very interesting mix of amazing people that sit around those two tables, all are very involved in the community and have very interesting lives.  The laughter and love and respect and shared history around those tables is amazing.

Sangha...community.  It's such an important thing to have in one's life.  In this day and age it's so easy to go weeks without interacting socially with people of like minds, with the temptations of facebook and other online escapes....and although they are decent tools of communication and connection, there's something to be said about sitting down with someone face to face.

"Our modern way of life seems to be making us busier and busier about less and less.  

It is only after we being to taste the joy of simple living that we realize how much all this frantic activity can stand between us and our fulfillment.  

The more we divide our interests, our allegiances, our activities, the less time we have for living.

Loving, loyal personal relationships take time.  

We cannot get to know someone intimately in a day or establish a lasting relationship during a weekend conference.  If we spend eight hours a day at our job and the evening watching

television, where is the time for cultivating close friendships?  

If we simplify our lives we shall find the time and energy to be together with our family and friends, or to give our time to a worthy cause that needs our contribution.  

The simple life doesn't mean bearing with a drab routine; it means giving our time and attention to what is most important."

Eknath Easwaran

I definitely fall into that trap at times.  Having a career where I'm constantly in service of others can make me feel a little burnt out at times, and I'm a person that needs a lot of alone time to recharge.  When I do decide to hang out with friends socially, surprisingly, I can have a little anxiety around the occasion, though as soon as I relax into the conversation and moment with whoever I am with, that anxiety dissipates.

"No man is an island, entire of itself;

every man is a piece of the continent,

a part of the main."

John Donne 

I had a great weekend filled with sangha.  On Saturday I met with my yogini pack and we had brunch and chatted about life, love, loss....very deep and fulfilling stuff.  On Sunday I went to the Reiki School for their grand opening of the new space.  I got to see a few of my friends from when I was taking classes....it was so great to reconnect and hear how their lives are going.  I love running into people that I've done reiki or yoga with because our connection is so deeply ingrained in our practice, so there's not usually much small talk, just cutting to the marrow of life. 

"Human relationships are the perfect tool for sanding away our rough edges

and getting at the core of divinity within us.

We need to look no further than our own family, friends, acquaintances,

or even adversaries, to begin our practice."

Eknath Easwaran

So who do you need to make time to reach out to and rekindle a connection with today?  What friend/teacher/family member makes you feel whole and strong within yourself and when can you invite them for a cup of tea or skype date....if they are long distance.  Make a connection with someone new, someone old, someone borrowed, someone blue (blue meaning sad, or maybe a smurf) and notice how that might revitalize YOU!

Love Love Love

I subbed a class this evening and had a very interesting experience and am having a very interesting unfolding from it all.  There were only two people in this class, of very opposite physical practices and abilities.  I kind of panicked inside at first, wondering what I was possibly going to do with a more advanced practitioner who wanted something intense (Student A), and someone who said they wanted intense but I could see needed something gentler (Student B).  I approached my teaching with love and tenderness, and encouraged the students to honor their bodies and stay connected to their experience.  I found a happy medium between the two and was amazed at the focus and moments of joy I witnessed Student B having, even in some of the more difficult poses. 

Long story short, both people left class happy and unbroken.  I left class with Student B (who just happened into the studio, visiting from another state) on my mind.  As I'm heading to bed, I'm hoping that Student B wakes up in the morning feeling ok, and hoping that the moments of intensity weren't too much for B.  I was just moved to send B some Reiki, wherever they may be in Philadelphia.  As I was watching Student B in class, I was touched by the vulnerability and loving way this person practiced.  It softened me. 

I just spent a long day teaching 4 yoga classes and giving some students Reiki.  I gave out a lot of love and energy today, and therefore am left not exhausted, but filled with love.  I really felt like I was connected to each student and what they needed in the moment.  I'm so lucky that I have a job where I can express love and caring for someone through healing touch or by guiding them towards their practice.

Maybe it's because I'm tired, maybe it's because I'm listening to a beautiful song, but I just had a good cry a few minutes ago.  Not sad tears.  Tears of loving.  Sometimes my heart fills with so much love that I cry.  Once it happened while I was riding on the bus because someone did something nice for a total stranger (so glad I was wearing sunglasses.) I've had this intense heart feeling for as long as I remember, but have spent years trying to hide it, destroy it, ignore it, build fortress after fortress around it.

And today another wall came down....a big one I think....and I truly believe that my ability to spend a lot of time loving and caring for people through Reiki and Yoga is due to the fact that I am in the process of developing a loving relationship with myself with these tools.  And even though we live in this crazy world where being soft is viewed upon as being weak, where giving out love isn't as valued as giving out a flat screen tv.....I will keep on working to honor what's inside of me and work to bring it out and share it with others. 
Meg, ball of love:)

Disclaimer: times when I am not a ball of love.....if you wake me out of a deep sleep or when I am hungry

mourning my spinning perspective

I have chronic vertigo.  I've had it since 2000.  My mother has it.  Her father had it.  I'm stuck with it.  This is what I say to myself every month or two when I unexpectedly fall into a vertigo spell...which lasts 2-12 days.  I've been struggling with these surprises for the last 11 years and it hasn't gotten any easier.  I've tried Western medicine, different head positional exercises, Ayurvedic remedies, energy healing, acupuncture,....everything but witchcraft. Some days I'm only able to stay in bed, barely moving my head for fear the room will go into a dead-spin.  Some days I can make it through the motions of whatever job I may be working, fighting off wicked nausea.  Most days I feel miserable and defeated.  That leads to anger directed at myself if I do choose to take it easy.  There's a part of me that thinks it inexcusible to let it get in the way of life, that part of myself who says I have to suck it up and go. 

I know that at some point in my childhood this way of dealing with things was programmed into me.  I was taught to be grateful for relatively good health, not to complain about "little" ailments, there are people who are dealing with much worse than I am.  While all this is well and good, and I am thankful for my otherwise great health, this mindset also doesn't justify my feelings of woe about the fact that I'm dizzy 1/4 of my life.  Even if it's not life-threatening, it still is crappy, and I have a right to process that.  So here I am....processing.

Unsure of what vertigo feels like?  Take a baseball bat, put in on the ground and put your forehead to it and then spin in circles about 30-50 times, then try to stand up and walk....you remember that crazy thing we did as kids at camp or in gym class....that's what happens to me if I just roll over in bed or look up too quickly.  And forget about that bat game for me...the last time I did it was almost tragic....my view of the world literally turned upside-down for a few minutes.  It was terrifying. 

it sucks.

If my mother needed a day off because she had vertigo, I wouldn't judge her, I wouldn't be mad at her.  Yet when it comes to me, I'm not as compassionate.  And I need to be.  I was speaking of this in therapy today and my therapist said something that softened something in my heart.  I need to mourn this.  I have a chronic condition of which there is not many treatment options for someone without health insurance.  it sucks!  I am allowed to be really sad about that.  I never let myself explore the full depth of my sadness surrounding certain things....this being one of them for sure. Step 1: Mourn....deeply.

Then, I must develop a more compassionate way to deal with myself with and without vertigo.  I simply can't live the same way during a vertigo spell that I can when I'm feeling "normal."  I have to think of how I need to live during a spell, so when it happens, I know what to do to take care of myself, and I won't be as hard on myself when I'm not living up to my own crazy expectations.

I'm been excited all day after my guided realization.
So tonight as my head hits the pillow, if there's some spinning involved, I'll let myself be lovingly sad.

Practicing when you're down....

is hard to do!  I'm feeling particularly raw and anxious as of late and it's been really tough to get on the mat or my meditation cushion.  It's funny, we always talk about how we tend to avoid the things we know will help when we're going through something not so fun...and I'm totally sticking to that pattern right now.  I know I'll feel better if I move and breathe....but I just can't.  Not right now.  And I'm going to forgive myself, and be gentle with myself, and eat some Moroccan Lentil Stew and curl up under a blanket before heading off to work.  And maybe, just maybe, I'll be ready in a few hours to do what I know will make me feel better:)

At the beginning....

I've been wanting to start a blog for awhile now to keep a record of my studies, practice, things that move me, but I've been nervous about writing for others to read.  I've had a few blogs in the past but never told anyone about them for fear my writing would be critiqued.  I'm learning not to care so much about that!  So I'm starting this blog in an attempt to work on the practice of not being attached to the results of anything.  No one may ever read this....fine.  A million people may end up stumbling upon this....fine.  I may hate this process and want to quit....I won't!  It's on!

I feel like I'm in a very auspicious period in my life right now.  The seeds that I planted a few years ago, the seeds that I watered and cared for and remained patient as they remained underground....the greens are starting to poke thru the ground....I am growing. 

So before I settle in to start to read the Bhagavad Gita before bed....what am I grateful for today?
I am grateful for my golden yogis.  I am grateful for kale chips, my cats soft paws, a slow day to cook and nap and meditate, warm rain, and music.