It's Tapas, baby!

"Courage is almost always a necessary ingredient of change. Fulfilling your potential and achieving your destiny demand that at some point you stand on your own. Your blossoming will need to be unlike anyone else’s; just as every double helix of DNA is unique, so is every person’s path."

    ~The Four Desires Book by Rod Stryker~

I've faced an interesting set of challenges these past few months.  Challenges that have really shaken me to the core as to whether this path I am on is the right one for me.  I love what I do more than anything in the world, but it has it's own unique challenge, at least at the point that I am right now.  Almost a year ago, I took the leap out of the secure, full-time restaurant gig and tipped the scales to depending on yoga teaching more than anything else for my livelihood.  It was scary but at the time, I felt like it was my only choice (I was going to shrivel up and die inside if I didn't)....I had to jump.  So I did.  And the universe provided me with more teaching opportunities!

Long story short, these past few months have been rough, not as dependable as before, scary, no cushion to break my fall sort of rough.  I felt resistance rising in me, I started to think that everyone was judging me for this choice that I made to leave stability to pursue my dream (it can't be easy to be friends with or date someone that literally has no extra money to do anything social), I felt like I needed an escape route....something solid and dependable to get me through it.

I went out looking for additional serving jobs (I work one night a week at a lovely little BYOB), I walked confidently with resume in hand knowing anyone would want to hire me, every place I went was very interested and ready to hire me.  Then I started to listen to my body.  My mind was trying to rationalize this move, saying I could get through it, if only for a year.....my body was giving me major signals.  That's the week my shoulder pain was so unbearable I finally sought help for it (thank you Dr. Jenna....I am shoulder-pain free now and got there in a very non-invasive way!!!)  Interesting that the shoulder that is affected just so happens to be the arm that I use so frequently in waiting tables.  Interesting how I had this nagging shoulder pain for almost a year and I'd just accepted that it was going to be there.  I also just had this subtle, deep rooted panicked feeling at all times.  My body was telling me very clearly what I didn't want to listen to....you have to TRUST what is being lined up for you.

Then, out of the blue....three yoga opportunities fell out of the sky.  I had my answer, "ok universe, this is what I should be doing."  I told all the possible restaurant jobs that I'd decided to go in another direction, and I jumped, yet again, into the terrifying unknown.

So that's where I am currently residing, post-second-terrifying-leap-into-fate land.

I feel blessed this chain of "coincidences" that has brought me to this point, and I've realized that it's time for me to get out of my own way.  I have, and always have had, quite a nasty self-destructive side.  I'm finally aware of this pattern in my life and ready to work on it....because it's getting in the way of the amazing potential I have for living brilliantly in this world!

"Yes.  You can attain freedom from the unwanted part of yourself by detaching yourself from it.  Nothing more.  Liberation by detachment from the world is not my way.  Higher than detachment is transforming what you want to get rid of."

~Rabindranath Tagore~

"Ok, Miss Yogini....how does one transform a deeply rooted pattern??"

TAPAS, BABY!!

"I thought that was small plates in the style of Spanish dining."

In the yoga tradition, tapas translates to heat, to purify, fiery discipline, to break down the things that prevent our natural light.  It's developing character and refinement and putting your effort into the world for your visions, goals, and dreams to come into fruition. It's what helps you shine.  

"Tapas when done correctly becomes tejas-the radiant splendor of personality that expresses itself as courage, creativity, and love as well as the melting tenderness that draws all hearts (charisma)."

~Para Yoga Master Training Manual~

There are many tapas disciplines, as there are many unique ways we each need purify to bring out our own shining.  A few examples are changing diet, exercise, asana (purifies mind, nervous system, and energetic body), breathwork, breaking bad habits, and silence.


Some of these are a little less accessible if you don't have a teacher knowledgeable in these areas or if your practice isn't quite at the point where you're ready for them.  Fear not! When I'm teaching tapas in my classes, I encourage my students to look at what they are wanting to achieve, and what is lying in their way to achieving it.  We can use certain techniques to increase our own fire.  

For example: Student A craves more meaningful connections and relationships with people.  Student A talks....A LOT, talks talks talks all the time, never stops talking or thinking....Student A has learned this behavior as a way to seemingly connect with someone or perhaps to mask their own social anxiety, but their talk gets in the way of actual connection with the person....they leave no space to slow down and listen to what anyone has to say.  Student A's tapas practice could be silence.  Student A could commit to a week or more of speaking only when absolutely necessary.  For some people this seems silly, but for Student A, this silence could make them a little uncomfortable and encourage them to slow down a bit and just watch what's going on in their mind, and truly LISTEN to those around them instead of assuaging their discomfort around connection with chatter.


What do you deeply desire in your life?  What are you doing and maybe not realizing or admitting to yourself that's getting in the way of your living vibrantly?  Please share with me and let's get your internal fire a-burnin!!

In this moment......

Yoga isn't just a series of poses that you do on a mat.  The word yoga roughly translates to mean "union." We've all had moments of yoga....a time when you're just plugged into the moment...when the mind stops ticking away and you're just present.  My first yoga teacher called them "peak experiences."  Some people have these peak experiences while engrossed in music, some when doing something athletic, I've never experienced childbirth but I'm pretty sure some achieve a state of yoga then, some of us have these experiences in nature.  They are usually those points in life that you can remember almost perfectly, no matter how much time passes.

My experiences of yoga happen most often in nature.  The pictures in this posting are from a very special moment of yoga in my life.  A few years ago I took myself on a little roadtrip around Northern CA.  It was a trip filled with moments of pure bliss and connection to myself and to nature.  I didn't make any plans, I just knew where I'd stay each night, and that was it.  This particular moment happened when I was winding down from a fun day of kayaking and eating fresh oysters with total strangers.  I was staying a few days at Point Reyes National Seashore, about an hour north of San Francisco.  That evening I decided to head to Limantour Beach to watch the sun set.  It was windy and cold but I was determined to see the sun set over the beach.

I got to the beach and was alone, except for a lady who was dancing in the wind:

You can barely see the wind dancing lady, she's right above my shadow

I took off my sneakers and plunged my feet into the waves even though the September water was freezing!  The wind was blowing burning salty sand on my weary legs but I didn't care.  I had my camera out, madly capturing the beauty around me that was breathtaking.  I got there early enough that the sun was still high in the sky, yet rapidly making it's descent to the horizon and I was transfixed.  I walked along the water towards the setting sun, soaking in the beauty and simplicity of the moment.  I said aloud, "Universe....send me some dolphins!  I want to see dolphins!!" I turned my head to look at the water and this is what I saw, not dolphins but:

A pair of funny little seals poking their heads out and staring at me.  They seemed to be just as fascinated with me as I was with them.  As I walked toward the sun, they kept pace with me in the water, showing off their wave-riding moves, poking their heads out every so often to look at me and make sure I was still watching them. 

Eventually the seals swam off when they realized I'd lost myself in the sunset.  I was absorbed in beauty, dissolved in contentment, no longer separate from the beach, or the sunset, or the wind, or the sand.....I was in union with it all.  As the sun dipped down into the horizon, I watched, waiting for the golden orb to slip silently to rest.

That's why I practice yoga.  That's why I get on the mat and breathe and watch....to tap into and witness that part of myself that is all of this.  The part that is the brilliant sunset, the playful seals, the wind-dancing woman, the crashing waves.  To bring that essence to every moment of every day.